


i can't breathe

by herwhiteknight



Series: Her and Them [1]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-27 00:26:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5026588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herwhiteknight/pseuds/herwhiteknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I'm the luckiest woman in the world; marrying such a handsome man,” Cosima whispered as she fixed Sarah's tie with deft fingers. </p>
<p>“I'm lucky I have you,” she murmured, feeling the deception in her gut. But she wasn't lying, not really. She just didn't want to ruin their special day by telling Cosima that she wanted to be the one who was kissed when it was finally said, “You may kiss the bride.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can't breathe

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic as I began to explore my own gender identity; genderfluid Sarah Manning (GFSM) was an idea, a being, that I had begun to get very attached to before I really understood why. Which is why the first part of this fic (or perhaps this entire fic) may sound very uneducated and not at all an accurate representation of how genderfluidity works. I don't mean to offend anyone who identifies as genderfluid in my writing of this fic; this is just my exploration of a concept I am entirely new to. In understanding that, I hope you enjoy my first (and possibly only) GFSM fic.
> 
> (PS– I also have no idea how weddings work, like I know the bride and groom aren't supposed to see each other before or whatever but I just.. went with what my muse told me??? So. There's that.)

She didn't tell her. She couldn't say it. “How is my wonderful spouse-to-be this morning?” Cosima asked, careful to avoid a gender appropriation before Sarah told her. _But she can't tell her._

“I feel,” Sarah murmured against Cosima's gentle lips, her eyes flickering over to the tux by the end of the bed. The tux that was meant for her. _Him. That's who Sarah was supposed to be today._ She had been counting on it. So she slipped a confident smirk onto her face and kissed Cosima a little more roughly, more forcefully than she would have had when she felt like woman and hooked a thumb over to their dresser where Sarah's harness had taken up residence and whispered roguishly, “I feel like the new toy is gonna get a good work out tonight.”

“Mm,” Cosima laughed deep in her throat as Sarah slid off the bed and hit the ground with a thump. She knew her normal “manly” mannerisms, so she applied them here, even if it made her feel like she was lying to her bride-to-be. “Is anything else going to get a work out tonight after the reception?”

“I think it might be okay to eat a couple more pieces of cake Cos,” she grinned, her lips falling cockily into a lopsided manner as she picked at the sleeves of the tux that was hanging up on the door. “You gonna help me get into this?”

“If you'll let me help you out of it after the evening's over,” Cosima smirked as well and grabbed the suit while Sarah put on her binders, trying to feel comfortable with her motions. _She had done this dozens of times before, it shouldn't-_ actually, no, _she_ had never had to do this at all. And that's the main reason it felt wrong. 

“It's a rental,” Sarah warned playfully as she packed her boxers and Cosima eyed “him” appreciatively before handing her the pants. “So you better not rip it or anything.”

“It's not me you need to worry about ripping it,” she teased, “I think you're giving those seams a run for their money, hm, handsome?”

“Bitch,” she snarked, smacking Cosima's hands away from her waist, “We're gonna be late.”

“You're marrying _me,_ ” Cosima laughed back, pulling Sarah out the door and down the driveway, to the limo that was waiting there. “I'm pretty sure _everyone_ is expecting us to be late.”

“After you,” Sarah grinned, feeling genuine in this one action, at least, as she opened the passenger door for her bride-to-be. Looking after Cosima and loving her... that's what mattered. Even if she didn't feel right, stuffed into this suit, smelling entirely of cologne, the scent constricting her as much as the binder around her chest.. Cosima was worth it.

“Why thank you sir,” she replied gallantly, a wide toothy grin spreading to match Sarah's. Cosima slipped inside the limo and Sarah followed quickly after, stealing a kiss once the door slammed shut, hiding the couple behind tinted glass.

 

“Sarah?” Cosima asked a few minutes later, after the driver announced that they were due to arrive at the ceremony's location shortly.

“Mm? Yeah, Cos?” Sarah blinked, pulling her eyes away from the reflection staring back at her in the darkened glass. _It didn't look right. I don't look right,_ she felt a twist of anxiety yank at her gut as she stilled her hands in her lap, and resisted the temptation to pull apart the sleek ponytail that hung at the base of her neck. 

“You haven't said anything since we left,” Cosima murmured, taking one of Sarah's hands in hers, kissing her fingers gently, drawing her attention fully.

“Nervous, I guess,” she tried, shrugging it off with a rough chuckle, “I'm fine, Cos, seriously.”

Cosima gave her a piercing look, holding her gaze. And Sarah drowned in it. “Something's wrong,” she stated softly as the car drew to a gentle halt at the side of the road.

Sarah felt herself start to shake then, just barely. She pulled her hand out of Cosima's grip before the tremor reached her fingers. Threw her gaze away from Cosima's eyes, over her shoulder instead and out the window to the hill where the chairs all sat, aligned and filled with expectant guests. “We're here,” she answered instead, nudging the bride towards the door as she fiddled with the tie at her neck. 

      _I'm choking and we're here._

Cosima pushed open the door and rose gracefully from the car, her bare feet touching the grass as the music swelled and the guests rose eagerly, all shuffling in their seats and chattering excitedly like a faint breeze. 

      _I can't breathe in this suit and everyone expects me to be_ him.

Sarah waited the appropriate beats, waited for her cue, so afraid she would miss it, so afraid that she would turn tail and run because 

      _this isn't right I'm not right you can't marry me Cos, I'm lying_

But she squared her shoulders and rose. 

      _For Cosima. It's her big day. Our big day._

One foot touched the grass, and Sarah took a moment to curl the blades of grass between her toes, thanking whichever god she might've believed in that Cosima had been so insistent on no footwear for the wedding. She had spouted something about wanting to be closer to the earth, how feeling the ground brought some kind of connection, a sense of calming. It had been bullshit then.

But, the second foot sunk down next to the first, and Sarah could breathe again. 

_You love her,_ she told herself as she rose, barely remembering to clear the car, _And that's not a lie, Sarah Manning. Go marry her._

She never felt so unsteady in her entire life. Not after getting drunk for the first time, not after her first roller-coaster ride. Not even after the first time she had had mind-numbing sex with Cosima. Her steps were plagued with doubts and terrors

           _still don't smell right_  
                     _still can't breathe_  
_Cos wont marry a liar_  
                                         _i'm a liar_  
                                         _she knows_  
           _i'm a liar_

 

“Sarah, stop.” 

She felt herself wobble  
           _why was the ground spinning?_

     and hands were on her shoulders that should have been bare, but instead were covered by a well-fitted suit and stuffed, padded shoulders. 

The warmth was still there though, from her hands. “Cos?” Sarah blinked up from her dead stare on the ground. And Cosima's eyes met hers. And they _saved_ her.

“I'm right here babe,” she murmured, pulling her close as the world dissolved; but the crowd was still there, they buzzed and twittered and wanted to _know._

“I want to marry you, I want.. you..,” Sarah began, trying to snatch words out of the air, like she had seen Cosima do so many times whenever she talked about science. But her hands were shaking _too much too too much nothing was solid nothing but_ “Cosima.. will you let.. me.. marry you?”

“Sarah...,” Cosima whispered, and there was hurt and all Sarah heard was the hurt and she just wanted to pull away, to back up, but Cosima had her and she wasn't letting go. “Why would I even consider _not_ marrying you?”

“You.. I,” Sarah stumbled, her words faltering her, again and again like so many times before, “I'm a liar,” she finally whispered.

Cosima paused, Sarah felt the stiff shock in the halting of her breath.  
      _oh god it's over_

Sarah's heart didn't even restart when Cosima's breath did, feeling the binder bear down on her ribs like a metal zip-tie, endlessly clicking tighter. _it's over it's over it's over over over_

Cosima stepped back, placed a gentle kiss on Sarah's temple 

      _over i lied she will never love me she never has i am a liar this is it it's over she's going to walk away leave me here at the alter unable to breathe and feeling_ wrong _it's over over_

Suddenly, a voice quite different from Cosima's, warm and official, spoke softly, “You may kiss the bride.”

Sarah's head snapped up, not entirely sure how she ended up staring at her toes in the first place. That was her cue, she was supposed to take Cosima  
      _she was going to dip her, as a surprise. They hadn't agreed on it, hadn't talked about it, but, even still_

Cosima's warm hands returned, they were on her face now, gently directing her gaze. Saving her. “You,” she told her firmly, as Sarah's hands drifted up to cup Cosima's in wonderment. “Are my bride. Tomorrow.. you might be my husband. But for today.. right now, you are my bride.”

And Sarah didn't move as Cosima leaned forward. To kiss the bride in the suit, the one who smelled like cologne and aftershave. The one who couldn't breathe.

But now for an entirely different reason.


End file.
